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How do you tell someone you care? Someone who's never going to believe you no matter what you say?
Tired and confused right now. Just tired and confused. Four more weeks and this will be over. I just want to sleep and draw again.

Feb. 23rd, 2011

I think I use this LJ as a shouting board rather than a creative works compilation spot. I don't write much anymore though.

Cut for life whingingCollapse )

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Feb. 17th, 2011

Planning on moving out. Moving into the Helsinki region, get student grant and unemployment fund, save up money and find summer jobs and all that shindig. One year after that and we part our ways for college, but hopefully we'll be able to live together in the meantime.

Sis is, of course, being the usual unhelpful asshole that she always is. Rather than sitting down and discussing our options like mature adults who are going to fucking move out, she tells me completely disregard all of my mother's advice and, I don't know, fuck myself or something. Thanks sis. Obviously you know more about housing than mom does being 18 years old and sitting in the house being pessimistic (I know she's depressed and constantly bored but fucking god, I want her to at least be more willing to talk to me as if I'm not stupid about everything, because I'm pretty sure I'm fucking not).

It does reprioritize my goals somewhat. Just getting unemployment funds first and THEN talk to Social Sec about moving out and maybe find out what is going on with the rooming laws and if I can just sleep in the living room or not. No idea.

Fuck this. Fuckitfuckitfuckitfuckit.

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The Weirdest Dreams II

I don’t dream very often, at least, I don’t remember dreams very often. My sleeps are just long stretches of silent blackness occasionally interrupted by moments of consciousness when my brain decides it wants to mess with me.

When I do remember dreams, they’re either only snippets of it, or I forget a lot of the original story upon waking.

The dream I had today was of me being some kind of adventurer. No idea what kind of adventurer, half the time I was wearing a t-shirt, the other half I felt like some kind of weird fantasy elf critter. There was some kind of ocean or swamp, I’m not sure- a cross over between the two with cherry tree-like trees growing out of the banks and beaches and covering the water with pink petals. I remember riding a boat over it with two companions, but I cannot describe either of them.

We found a house with a monster inside. I think we needed his help. I don’t remember what for or even if we ever gave a reason, but he wasn’t too happy. We got on a boat and I vaguely remember being the person skidding over the water in a rubber tire, watching the waves part the petals and how the sky reflected off of the water.

There were power lines above us, and he was stopped when we caught some kind of signal. The monster was holding a device out. I don’t remember much about that, but whatever it was, we accomplished our main objective. After that, we stopped somewhere with a beach. I was standing between two doors and I noticed alligator footprints in the sand, so I closed one door while waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. I thought alligators were going to try and eat me if I left the door open.

We somehow end up inside the room after which the monster flips out and tries to strangle one of my teammates. I remember reaching out and choking him to death with my hands while telling one of my teammates to help free the other. And the monster didn’t struggle. He he told me to move fingers up a bit more and he rolled his eyes back and a silence settled over us. I remember crying.

After that, I woke up and just stared at the cieling for a while, wondering why he’d let me kill him.

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Am I really being so unreasonable when I say 50 euros is too much for a bento box?

Because my sister just stormed out after telling me she hated me because I wouldn't do that.

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Mother's back.

First thing she did yesterday was slam my door shut after yelling at me for not vacuuming the house- which I did and especially just before she came back.

Today she has yelled at us for having moved the computer down- ignoring the fact that she hasn't been here for three months.

Just now she told me to shut up after suggesting we wait for father to come back before dealing with changing the winter tires since neither of us are strong enough to budge the bolts.

I miss the lack of juvenile temper tantrums already. And being able to hang around in the kitchen with my sister. And the clean house.

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Bwuh?

Woke up from a dream with Kup kissing Spinister.

What the fuck, brain.

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